Samuel L. Jackson is in negotiations to play the villainous Octopus.

Given that Samuel L. Jackson stars in half the movies put out by Hollywood, from well-made and critically acclaimed fair like Pulp Fiction and Eve's Bayou to lambasted dreck like The Man and Snakes on a Plane, perhaps because he suffers from some paranoid belief that all his money will disappear tomorrow, one has to wonder what exactly "negotiations" between him and a studio looking to hire him. I mean, what exactly are his typical demands? That the studio furnish him with a second trailer to house all his Bald Head Polish? I can just imagine what it must be like to be his agent. It might look something like this:

Agent: "We have this script by the guy who did Reservoir Dogs, in which you play a Bible-quoting hitman.
Samuel L. Jackson: "I'll do it." What else you got?
Agent: " “Um, we have this drama set in 1962 Louisiana…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “I’m there.”
Agent: “Wow! We didn’t even tell you who’s writing, directing or acting in it!”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Don’t care. What else?”
Agent: “Er, we have this lousy child custody trial movie between a white woman played by Jessica Lange and an ex-crack addict played by Halle Berry. I think you’ll wanna pass on it.”
Samuel L. Jackson: “No I don’t. Sign me up.” Keep going.”
Agent: “A really bad, really preachy adaptation of this John Grisham novel that seems to advocate jury nullification…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Done. What else?”
Agent (getting nervous): “Two action films by Renny Harlin, who hasn’t made a well-received film since Die Hard 2? You get eaten by a shark in one of them…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “I wanna do it.”
Agent: “Um, which one?”
Samuel L. Jackson: “BOTH of ‘em, motherf*****!” WHAT ELSE!?”
Agent: “Um, er, I uh, we have some science fiction films here…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Good! I like sci-fi. Give ‘em to me!”
Agent: “Well, hold on, let’s be judicious about this. One is an adaptation of a Michael Crichton novel…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Michael Crichton? I’m there. Sign me up.”
Agent (relieved): “Thank God. The other one is this character in the new Star Wars trilogy. I read George Lucas’ script, and it’s really awful. I was afraid you were gonna choose that one!”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Yeah, I want that too.”
Agent: “Sammy, c’mon. You can afford to be a little bit choosy!”
Samuel L. Jackson (pulls out gun and points it at Agent’s head): “Listen, white boy, you line ‘em up, and I knock ‘em out, or I will get ALL EZEKIEL ON YO ASS! NOW WHAT THE **** ELSE DO YOU GOT???!!!!”
Agent (crying): “Lousy military trial movie with Tommy Lee Jones?”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Done!”
Agent: “It’s really lousy, Sammy.”
Samuel L. Jackson: “DONE!”
Agent: “Uhhh…a Godawful remake of Shaft?”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Done!”
Agent: “Really drab M. Night Shyamalan movie that’s not as good as The Sixth Sense? You play this total loser of a comic book fan with brittle bones.”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Done!”
Agent: “Sammy please….let me choose the good ones…uh…uh…uh…a movie with Ben Affleck? He hasn’t done a good movie lately, but this one’s good! And Quentin wants you in his next movie with Uma! And that guy that made The Iron Giant wants you in his next animated feature! They’re all good!”
Samuel L. Jackson: “FINE! I’ll take it! What else?” What about that reunion with Travolta? It’s got John McTiernan directing! An all-star cast! Why didn’t you mention that?” (the gun moves closer to the Agent’s head.)
Agent: “Oh God, Sammy, it looks really bad…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “I WANT IT!”
Agent: “Oh God, okay, okay, please don’t kill me…I got this good action movie with Vin Diesel…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Give it to me! And what about that remake of S.W.A.T.?!”
Agent (on his knees begging): “Sammy please, show some judgment…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “And snakes! I like snakes! I want to do a movie that has the word ‘snake’ in the title!!”
Agent (becoming incoherent): “Ugh….drama….Christina Ricci…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Deal!”
Agent: “Okay, moving on…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Not so fast, cracker boy! Isn’t there another one?”
Agent: “What, Snakes on a Plane?”
Samuel L. Jackson: “Yeah, that one!”
Agent: “But you’re doing the Christina Ricci one! The critics will like that one! And it has ‘snake” in the title!”
Samuel L. Jackson: “I want BOTH of ‘em, godd******!”
Agent: “Oh God…what do you even need me for if you’re just gonna take everything?”
Samuel L. Jackson: “I need you to read the offers to me! I wanna do a voice in a really offensive video game! Something with violence and hookers! And I wanna host one of those MTV award shows! Something that'll show those 18-24 year old mutha*&^%$#@! that I'm still hip and edgy! And a movie with offensive stereotypes of Caucasians, maybe with that Eugene Levy guy! Maybe something with that Boondocks cartoon! Man, that is some funny s***! And what about that March of the Penguins s****? How come Morgan gets to narrate stuff like that? I can be erudite! Why can’t I narrate a documentary about penguins? Hell, it don’t even have to be a real movie, it can be a satire of it, or something! And what about all these comic book movies they be doin’? I wanna do one! Maybe play the bad guy in one!”
Agent: “Oh God…Oh God…Sammy please…you already got the comic book villain with the Shyamalan movie…”
Samuel L. Jackson: “SHUT YOUR #$%!*@& PIE HOLE, YOU *&^%#$$^%!!! I WANT ANOTHER ONE! C’mon, bi+ch, let me hear ‘em! I WANT IT ALL!!!!!”

(Note: The preceding is not intended as an accurate portrayal of the actor Samuel L. Jackson, his real-life temperament or his mannerisms, but is a satire of those of some of the characters he has played, such as Jules from Pulp Fiction, used to make a point about Jackson's movie role selectivity, which the author disclaims here in the unlikely event that the esteemed Mr. Jackson, whom the author holds in high regard as an actor, reads this post and seeks out the author to bust a cap in his ass. Furthermore, the author apologizes to those who are offended by asterisks, ampersands, number symbols, the "at" symbol, exclamation points and dollar signs, which he hopes are not viewed as a violation of this site's rules prohibiting profanity.)

I had no idea that Changing Lanes was good. Learn something new.

That agent has an interesting take on "A Time to Kill" seeing as it was generally well reviewed.

And come on, fictitious agent. Star Wars is Star Wars. People love it and will want to be in it, beyond any reason.

I thought Changing Lanes was one of Affleck's better films, and I liked it. As I recall, when taking the focus group notes after my company screened it, they liked it too (though granted, the focus group is only 20 or so people out of the audience,and I don't recall if they singled him i particular--I remember them really liking the Amanda Peet scene). It was the only performance of his other than the one in Chasing Amy that felt authentic to me.

I thought A Time to Kill was one of the worst-written films I had ever seen. Preachy, morally repulsive, with characters whose actions and words made no sense, it seemed to advocate jury nullification, did nothing to suggest that Jackson's character was insane when he killed his daugther's rapists, the supposed romantic tension between McConnaughey and Bullock was non-existent, and thus the idea that he was on the verge of having an affair with her was laughable, and came off like a really bad TV Movie of the Week.

I don't love Star Wars and would not want to be in it. Sure, Jackson lobbied to be in it, so maybe he didn't know how badly it would be written and directed, or maybe he really did love it, but then again, that was the point of my satire: He seems to "love" just about every script that passes by his eyes. Obviously, there are going to be some movies mentioned that are seen by readers differently than by me, by since I wrote the exchange, my opinions of the films are the prism through which I did so. Can't avoid that.

Luigi Novi: Obviously, there are going to be some movies mentioned that are seen by readers differently than by me, by since I wrote the exchange, my opinions of the films are the prism through which I did so. Can't avoid that.

Omigosh! You're SLJ's agent? How cool is that?!?!?! And scary it seems.

I don't love Star Wars and would not want to be in it.

Well, then you would obviously not be part of the "People" who "love it and will want to be in it, beyond any reason." We suspected you existed (Triumph was a pretty good clue). Now there's proof.

Luigi Novi: He seems to "love" just about every script that passes by his eyes

Ain't that the truth? The guy pops up in more places than Buscemi. Regardless of quality. Jackson must really like his craft.

Ooh, The Craft! Yeah, gimme that one too! What? I can be a witch! There was a black witch in that one! Make me a second one!

The star is cast. (I also didn't realize that Frank Miller was the director, even though it was in the source I linked to in the first post on this board above.)

Scarlett Johansson is Silken Floss.

Eva Mendes is in.

Posters!

Scarlett Johansson as Silk N. Floss.

Cool Poster.

Whoa! I take it back! THIS is a cool poster!!!!

Teaser trailer.

Samuel Jackson as The Octopus.

Scarlett Johansson poster.

Her name is... Silken Floss?

Comic books and James Bond. Providing the silliest names around.

Trailer. (Possibly bootleg.)

God, this looks awful.

What was it?

A clip of the Spirit fight with Octopus. It looked like it might've been their "final" battle at the end of the film. It was horrible. Horrible dialogue and camera work, it was all slap-sticky and stuff. Ugh. Frank Miller can't make a movie to save his life.

I've been reading on the imdb how many fanboys are NOT looking forward to this one because Miller has changed several key things from the origional comic book and made something that looks more like Sin City part 2. Rather ironic thing for him to do to someone else's work as he was the one who made such a big deal about directors and writers changing his source material.

Another trailer up at Yahoo.com. Can't say the dialogue is anything special.